STARBUCKS RELEASES PUMPKIN SPICE OFFERINGS EARLIER THAN EVER GIVING OVERWHELMED NATION SOMETHING NEW TO BITCH ABOUT

The warm, comforting flavors of Fall, just in time for Summer!

STARBUCKS RELEASES PUMPKIN SPICE OFFERINGS EARLIER THAN EVER GIVING OVERWHELMED NATION SOMETHING NEW TO BITCH ABOUT

Seattle, WA. – An already anxious nation breathed a heavy sigh of relief when international coffee chain Starbucks announced the release of its fall-themed Pumpkin Spice beverage offerings during the third week of August—a precedent-shattering two weeks earlier than usual. The company has been releasing its signature fall drinks earlier each year, giving the public something new to collectively complain about.

“I can’t go five minutes without hearing about the stupid election coming up in November, so I was really excited that Starbucks came to the rescue with their idiotic Pumpkin Spiced bullshit right in the middle of summer to give me something else to shit-talk for a few days at least.” said one Pumpkin Spice enthusiast, angrily slurping down a 32-ounce offering of the concoction and turning his day at the beach into a surreal blend of blistering heat laced with the soothing flavors of allspice, cinnamon, and nutmeg. “I’ll probably be drinking one of these fucking things on the 4th of July next year.” he added.

For its part, Starbucks stated, “We know how much our customers both anticipate and hate our Signature Pumpkin Spice Latte, and that gets us excited to bring it out just a little bit earlier every year. We feel honored and privileged to be able to provide our customers with a little something extra to ‘spice up’ their lives and satisfy that itch for the nostalgia of autumn leaves and hay rides as well as provide an additional outlet for their hatred and vitriol.”