BREAKING NEWS: I'M GET TATTOOS AND CRAM SALAD IN MY MOUTH!!!!!!!
ATTENTION!: I’m have GO TO TATTOOS PUT ON MY SKIN! It has ONLY HURT some LITTLE BIT! THIS IS OK! STOP WORRYING ABOUT ME! THIS TATTOOS ARE WORTH IT!
SATAN UNLEASHES AVERAGE BOY BAND ON WORLD
Klepf, PA - The story of the RealBoys begins just like you knew it would: with a contest between Satan and Lin Manuel Miranda to see who could put together the most ‘just ok’ boy band ever.
ELMO LAUNCHES STING-NET!
Sesame Street, NY - Cuddly animal-monster ELMO have LAUNCH STING-NET at you! And NOW YOU ARE CAUGHT and IT STINGS!
STARBUCKS RELEASES PUMPKIN SPICE OFFERINGS EARLIER THAN EVER GIVING OVERWHELMED NATION SOMETHING NEW TO BITCH ABOUT
Seattle, WA. – An already anxious nation breathed a heavy sigh of relief when international coffee chain Starbucks announced the release of it’s fall themed Pumpkin Spice beverage offerings during the third week of August, a precedent shattering two weeks earlier than usual.
OH SHIT! MONKEY VERSUS LIZARD, MONKEY VERSUS LIZARD!!!!
Hollywood, CA. - Bang! Smoosh! Kabram!!!! GRAF! Clonks! Fire! Fire! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Monkey versus Lizard, Monkey versus Lizard! Electric shoots! Glammm! Ker-poo-klip!!! Hrunch! Chram! Run, run, run! It’s Monkey! LIZARD!!!
GOLFING TOILET MAGAZINE NAMES TOILET WOODS 2024’S BEST GOLFING TOILET
San Francisco, TX - Snatch off your clubs and get up your gear! The July issue of Golfing Toilet magazine has proclaimed renowned golfing toilet, Toilet Woods, as its best golfing toilet of 2024.
PETE CARROLL AND RUSSELL WILSON TO TEAM UP WITH CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF MARSHAWN LYNCH AND FORM NEW NFL FRANCHISE: “SEE YOU IN THE SUPERBOWL, DICKHEADS!”
Seattle, WA – Following their recent dismissals from their respective teams, Pete Carroll (Seattle Seahawks) and Russell Wilson (Denver Broncos) have released a statement indicating that the former championship duo plan to start their own professional football team.
PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE, I'M BUSY WATCHING ENDER'S GAME
Hi, looks like you dropped by for a hang, but you already know that I got something else going on. Let me break it down for you, one more time.
REPORT: YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO NAMIBIA
Your House – You were just getting ready to fold some laundry when Namibia popped into your head for some reason. You're pretty sure Namibia is in Africa, but you're not sure where (it's in the southwestern portion of the continent). You think about how you’d love to check out a place like Namibia someday, but you've never even left the state that you were born in.
EMINEM ANNOUNCES BIG TRANSFORMATION
Detroit, MI - Legendary rapper Eminem has announced that he will be immediately changing his name to Flip-Boy and will only be rapping in limerick form moving forward.
LOWES ANNOUNCES ‘DOLLAR DAYS’ EVENT WITH JABBO AND THE BOYS
In a move that's sure to leave bros and ho's across the country jumping for joy, Lowes has announced its latest event: Dollar Days with Jabbo and the Boys!
AEROSMITH THREATENS TO ROCK SEATTLE WITH TERRIBLE MUSIC
SEATTLE, WA - Legendary rock band Aerosmith has announced its plans to perform a concert of the most awful music imaginable in Seattle, and the city is understandably on edge.