SATAN UNLEASHES AVERAGE BOY BAND ON WORLD
These boys are ready to go!
SATAN UNLEASHES AVERAGE BOY BAND ON WORLD
Klepf, PA - The story of the RealBoys begins just like you knew it would: with a contest between Satan and Lin Manuel Miranda to see who could put together the most ‘just ok’ boy band ever. Manuel Miranda needed funding for his new Broadway musical, ‘Hamilton 2: The Return of Hamilton’ and so struck a deal with the Devil to secure a giant pile of cash in exchange for the souls of several unwitting teenagers.
Given his incredible fame, Miranda knew that anonymity would be the key to finding the most mediocre of talents, and so assumed the identity of Merk Grmpsteir, drama coach at Hempler’s™ High School here in Klepf, PA., where he promptly put together an after-school boy band program. Within a few days of posting the now infamous sign-up sheet, he had several names on the list scheduled for auditions and once held, felt confident that he had secured the most passable talent from the meager pickings available, sure in the knowledge that with his powers of songwriting and inclusivity, he could sculpt these boys into the most forgettable musical unit ever conceived.
After letting Miranda do all the hard work, Satan set about sabotaging his rival by hijacking some of his average-est potential recruits for himself. The Devil placed a note in the lockers of the three most middle-of-the-road students that read: “Attention Teen-aged boy, nice job at the ‘boy band’ audition. For a REAL good time, meet at the Jaun Ferrerez Jr. Playground at 4pm this Wednesday. You are WASTING YOUR TIME with Mr. Grmpsteir’s ridiculous High School ‘boy band’ project. Instead, I would like to offer you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to taste some REAL success. No need to bristle with teen-aged anticipation for further auditions, for you see, I am the Devil, and have personally selected YOU to be one of the four FOUNDING MEMBERS of ‘the RealBoys’. I hope to see you there. Please, be on time! I am super busy and have a bunch of other stuff to do. Sincerely, Satan, Ruler of Hell (The Actual Devil).”
The fourth boy in the Devil’s group is the Purgatory-bound ghost of 24-year-old Lance Scheffring, who, after witnessing his best friend get stabbed by a random stranger, got way too ‘high’ while trying to calm himself down. Scheffring got so ‘high’, in fact, that he thought that he was gonna die! He pleaded for relief and OF COURSE the Devil heard him, and so offered to let him NOT die in exchange for joining his BOY BAND. The catch being that while the corporeal form of Lance DID expire, his GHOST would remain on Earth in an eternal black and white agony. Not dead, not alive, just Hi-Ghost.
Individually, each of these boys could be considered at the very least, a tolerable and ordinary boy. Together however, they have that undeniable boy band chemistry, complete with problems, ideas and attitudes that truly blossom to their fullest when assembled, just like the Avengers, but more like a bunch of kids who happen to work at Arby’s, but they all work at different Arby’s locations in the middle of nowhere, Pennsylvania. And one day, by random chance, their individual skills are brought together like a sweet-voiced, roast-beef-sandwich-slinging Voltron to bring the glory of their standard boy band fare to the world. So, together, the RealBoys are Voltron, but if all the Voltron pilots were the Avengers and worked at Arby’s and were also in a boy band somehow.
These RealBoys have real names, they are; Reep Dip, who thrives on antagonism and sees himself as the leader of the group. JT, the clueless heartthrob who dreams of playing video games with your mom. Boom Diggy styles himself a crime-fighting, Whopper eating rapper and Hi-Ghost, who just wants to be alive again. Or dead. Just out of purgatory and NOT ghost any more.
Their adolescent issues frustrate the Devil to no end, but this is his team and he has to deal with it, even though he is SUPER POWERFUL and can FUCK SHIT UP. The rules that he and Lin Manuel Miranda drafted state that neither is allowed to replace their respective boys. Even if they die or are really irritating. For REAL.
The RealBoys is the story of one-half of this cursed bargain, will you ever hear the other?… Surely, Lin Manuel Miranda has got SOMETHING up his sinister sleeve….
