SCIENTISTS HEAR SOUND OF EARTH FOR FIRST TIME
Recently, NASA scientists decided to turn their sophisticated instruments towards Earth itself, hoping to uncover a harmonious interplay of sounds from our own planet. However, what they stumbled upon was nothing short of astonishing: one continuous, seemingly endless, and unmistakable sound – a long, resonating fart.
MEGAN TRAINOR TO UNLEASH EDIBLE FACIAL CREAM ON WORLD
Culver City, CA - Megan Trainor, the Grammy-winning pop star known for her hits "All About That Bass" and "Lips Are Movin'", is set to make a splash on Shark Tank with her latest venture: Slur Cream.
JABBO AND THE BOYS ANNOUNCE SUMMERTIME PLANS FOR SUMMERTIME FUN!
Washington, D.C. - Brace yourselves, folks, because Jabbo and the Boys are back, and they're ready to turn up the heat on your summer! With their glistening abs, awesome hats, and a bunch of umbrellas, this trio of finely sculpted gentlemen is set to turn out the summertime fun like no one else can.
FUNYUNS: “DON’T FORGET ABOUT EATING FUNYUNS!”
Cliffton, MA - Hey there, we've got a question for you: Did you forget about Funyuns? Because it seems like you should be eating Funyuns right now, but you’re not, so, what’s going on?
DR. PEPPER IS MAKIN’ IT FRESH!
Introducing the most refreshing collaboration of the century: Dr. Pepper is proud to sponsor ALLBEEFNEWS, where Makin' it Fresh isn't just a tagline, it's a lifestyle! 🥤📰
MACKLEMORE TO SUE RUSSELL WILSON OVER TRADEMARK VIOLATION
Seattle, WA - Seattle rapper Macklemore has filed a lawsuit against Denver Broncos quarterback Russell Wilson over the usage of the catchphrase "make it fresh." The lawsuit claims that Wilson's adoption and usage of the phrase infringes on the tagline "makin' it fresh," which was about to be trademarked for usage by Macklemore and Dr. Pepper.
RUSSELL WILSON PUBLICLY ADDRESSES STATIC ELECTRICITY ISSUE
Denver, CO - Denver Broncos quarterback Russell Wilson has called a press conference to address a recent issue that some fans have been speculating about for months. Wilson felt it was time to publicly express his frustration with the constant static electric shocks he’s been receiving and promised to “make it fresh.”
THE INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT SAGA OF UPTOWN GRIL, A RESTAURANT.
Part I - I arrived early in the morning to open my restaurant, Uptown Gril. As I unlocked the doors, I couldn't help but smile at the thought of that favorite Bill Joel song coming from the speakers all day and night. It was going to be another great day.
MACKLEMORE RELEASES SEQUEL TO ‘WAR AND PEACE’
Seattle, WA - Get ready, literary world, because Macklemore is back with what he's calling the "definitive sequel" to Tolstoy's War and Peace. The rapper-turned-author is taking on one of the greatest works of literature in history, and he's doing it with a new protagonist that you won't soon forget.
COW VIDAL SAYS, “I LOVE THE BEACH’
Ah, the beach, that quintessential playground. With its golden sands stretching far and wide, kissed by the gentle embrace of the ocean waves, it is a place where one can truly appreciate the beauty of our shared land. As I, Cow Vidal, partake in this summertime ritual, I can't help but reflect on the simple joys that have always drawn me to the shore.
GOTYE'S NAME SECRET REVEALED: IT'S GAMING!
Australian singer-songwriter Gotye has finally come clean about the true origins of his stage name. Contrary to popular belief, his name is not a pronunciation misspelling. In fact, it's simply an acronym for "Game Of The Year Edition" - a nod to his passion for limited and special release video games.
INTRODUCING LYSOL BRAND INTERSECTIONALITY DISINFECTANT WIPES!
Say goodbye to your biased views and hello to a clean, disinfected world! With our all-new powerful formula and unique scents, you'll never look at marginalized communities the same way again.
BEYONCÉ ANNOUNCES THE RELEASE OF HER HIGHLY ANTICIPATED MEMOIR
In her new, revealing and candid book, “Players in the Front, Dongs in the Back, Dumps on the Floor." Beyoncé shares her journey to becoming the queen of pop culture and the lessons she learned along the way.
STATEMENT FROM DON Q.'S PRIVATE HAMS, THE T-SHIRT STORE PROMOTED BY JOOPIE VOLRATH
Buy shirts, NOT drink creek water.
JOOPIE VOLRATH, THE CORONAVIRUS RAPPER, HAS NEW MESSAGE FOR FANS
Joopie Volrath, also known as the Coronavirus Rapper, is at it again. This time, she's rapping the praises of creek water! According to Joopie, drinking creek water gave her salmonella, but she still ‘loves it!’
OF COURSE!!! COWBOY POEMS BY COWMAN ROB
My food is dirt, and that’s real.
“DANG, BLEEPO BE ALL LIKE, I AM THE MOST ADVANCED ROBOT IN THE UNIVERSE”
The robot Bleepo had worked up this impressive tagline after scouring the entirety of the internet for clever sayings. But little did Bleepo know, there was a new robot in town – Robobobepoblap.
ANYBODY KNOW IT'S GONNA BE SUNNY TODAY?
Cleveland, OH – In an era marked by technological advancements, scientific breakthroughs, and endless information at our fingertips, one question continues to confound Shane Brently of Heberton Township: "Anybody know it's gonna be sunny today?"
M'S DECLARE 'PRICE OF VICTORY SAME AS COST OF DEFEAT'
Seattle Mariners Embrace Cost-Effective Approach to Achieve Consistent Mediocrity.
FORMER PRESIDENT HOOPIE FRIPS EATS 'COBB' SALAD
Washington, D.C. - Former President Hoopie Frips was seen eating a 'Cobb' salad at a local Herps restaurant.