HERE’S A ‘WOKE’ STORY YOU’LL LOVE!
Despite what the Ignorant-MAGA-Fascists (The 77.3 million ACTUAL Nazis who voted for TRUMP) would have you believe; the de-gendering of Mr. Potatohead was NOT a ‘woke’ overreaction but was actually a corrective to a decades long injustice perpetrated by a self-identified transphobic corporate executive more than 70 years ago.
PASSIONATE, FOUL-MOUTHED XENOPHOBE SHOWS UP TO WRONG RALLY
Brooklyn, NY - “Fuck Krangs!, you know what I’m sayin’?” cried vulgar, anti-alien rallygoer Spreng Geffel while attending a local No Kings rally in her neighborhood last week.
NO KINGS!
Portland, OR - Not sure if you guys are going tomorrow but I thought I’d let you know - when Donald J Trump (him) have sees the American people rise up and acknowledge that they are on the stolen ancestral lands of the native indigenous people and then proclaim a ‘No Kings!’ that is so loud, Donald J Trump (him) him sees that DJT and sees the American people when they acknowledge their land and hear them say ‘No Kings’ and he will know ‘No Kings’ and he will say ‘Oh!’ and then he will know and then everything will be different.
CITY LIVING
Don’t let my bitching fool you, I, in fact, do enjoy living in the city from time to time.
EVEN WHEN WE LOSE, WE WIN. THE AMAZING, TRUE STORY OF THE VOLLEYBALLERS.
Bow, London - Passion, rap, volleyball. On the international and Olympic level, there is only one team who stands out for the masterful interweaving of these three things. The Volleyballers. Undefeated, four years running, their love of sport and of winning as told through song. They sing their songs while they volleyball.
BREAKING NEWS: I'M GET TATTOOS AND CRAM SALAD IN MY MOUTH!!!!!!!
ATTENTION!: I’m have GO TO TATTOOS PUT ON MY SKIN! It has ONLY HURT some LITTLE BIT! THIS IS OK! STOP WORRYING ABOUT ME! THIS TATTOOS ARE WORTH IT!
SATAN UNLEASHES AVERAGE BOY BAND ON WORLD
Klepf, PA - The story of the RealBoys begins just like you knew it would: with a contest between Satan and Lin Manuel Miranda to see who could put together the most ‘just ok’ boy band ever.
GUESS WHAT? EVERYTHING YOU LIKE SUCKS.
Your Town, DWELLING - Have you been to the internet lately? Checked out your Yahoo! News feed or your Google home page? When was the last time you took a check at your Instagram Feed or really stuck your nose deep into your TikTok and gave it a BIG. OLD. WILD. SMELL.?
THIS IS A STORY OF TWO SMELLS
My kids take swim lessons through a program at the L.A. Fitness in West Seattle. When you walk into the facility from the parking garage elevator there is a big front desk, staffed often with two or three young people who are usually sometimes perky and attractive. You are supposed to scan your phone into their system while they fold towels and look at you, but I always walk right by, and nobody ever says anything or tries to stop me.
PLUGGED IN. TURNED UP. TURNED OUT. BUGAA IS THERE.
Born Chevis Angular Hermb, the man now known as BUGAA woke one morning in the intensive care unit of Can Misses Hospital on the island of Ibiza with no memory. The only items in his possession were some vintage 1950’s era office clothes and a VISA gift card that had a balance of nearly 7 million U.S. dollars. Despite this huge sum of money, Immigration would not allow him to leave the island as he had no identification, and so he began the effort of trying to piece together his past and in doing so would eventually construct a new identity for himself.
COME TO ITALIA! YOU CAN “PUT YOUR HAIR WITH MEATBALLS!”
Rome, IT – “Ciao! Buongiorno! I Miei nuovi amici!” “Hello my friends! Welcome to Italia! That is my name! I am your tour guide; I am here to welcome you! You have heard many things about my country, and I am your tour guide! My name is Antonio Flebetze and I am here to welcome you to my tour guide, Italia!
LONELINESS
Sometimes I feel so lonely.
ELMO LAUNCHES STING-NET!
Sesame Street, NY - Cuddly animal-monster ELMO have LAUNCH STING-NET at you! And NOW YOU ARE CAUGHT and IT STINGS!
FAST AND DELICIOUS, ALL KINDA PEOPLE LOVE SANDWICHES
Mineloke Peak, TN – “Yum!” That’s the sound of a sandwich. You know; ham, turkey, they’ve got it all with sandwiches! Bread. Everywhere you go, everywhere I’ve ever been, you can ask all people, and they will all say, “Sandwiches!” I guarantee.
STARBUCKS RELEASES PUMPKIN SPICE OFFERINGS EARLIER THAN EVER GIVING OVERWHELMED NATION SOMETHING NEW TO BITCH ABOUT
Seattle, WA. – An already anxious nation breathed a heavy sigh of relief when international coffee chain Starbucks announced the release of it’s fall themed Pumpkin Spice beverage offerings during the third week of August, a precedent shattering two weeks earlier than usual.
NATIVE LAND
Did you ever notice how much more native land you can be on when you’re laying down versus standing up?
SOUND TRANSIT LAUNCHES BOLD NEW AD CAMPAIGN TO BOOST FLAGGING RIDERSHIP
Seattle, WA. - In an effort to boost use of it’s multi-billion dollar public transportation system, Seattle based Sound Transit has unveiled a new take on their advertisements which seek to highlight the realities of getting from point A to point B across the Puget Sound region.
TOP 10 ROOKIE MOVES WE’VE LOVED TO SEE!
Everybody makes mistakes, especially you. Here are the top 10 rookie moves that we’ve seen you bang out that really inspired us!
OH SHIT! MONKEY VERSUS LIZARD, MONKEY VERSUS LIZARD!!!!
Hollywood, CA. - Bang! Smoosh! Kabram!!!! GRAF! Clonks! Fire! Fire! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Monkey versus Lizard, Monkey versus Lizard! Electric shoots! Glammm! Ker-poo-klip!!! Hrunch! Chram! Run, run, run! It’s Monkey! LIZARD!!!
GOLFING TOILET MAGAZINE NAMES TOILET WOODS 2024’S BEST GOLFING TOILET
San Francisco, TX - Snatch off your clubs and get up your gear! The July issue of Golfing Toilet magazine has proclaimed renowned golfing toilet, Toilet Woods, as its best golfing toilet of 2024.